As I write, the world is still waiting to find out why Britney Spears shaved her head and let her long flowing locks fall to the salon floor. While I don’t have any insight into Britney’s reasoning for what is being viewed by the media as a troubling indication of her instability, I can comment on how something as simple a shaving ones head can serve as the much needed spark for lasting personal change.
Few things contribute to what we will accomplish in life, or not, as much as our identity. When someone has smoked for 30 years tells me, “I haven’t smoked for 3 months now.” I’ll probe a little deeper, perhaps even asking “how much longer before you smoke again?” If they tell me, “Oh, I’m a non-smoker….I was a smoker for 30 years, but I’m a non-smoker now, so never, ever again!” then I know they have made the much needed identity shift that will all but guarantee their continued success. It’s one thing to stop a behavior; it’s an entirely different “animal” though when you change “who” you are, and how you perceive yourself.
Behind nearly every lasting change, upon closer examination you’ll find an identity shift that serves as the glue that holds the transformation together. Very few people have the tenacity required to maintain behavioral changes made without the rock solid foundation offered by a change in identity.
Have you ever wondered why new inductees in the armed forces have their heads shaved? It’s really very simple; a persons chosen hair style has literally been “fused” with their identity. This is why women who lose their hair while undergoing chemotherapy often describe the hair loss as the worst part of the treatment. This also explains why millions of men spend more on products like Rogaine each month than they put into their retirement account.
When the Army shears the young recruits like so many sheep in the spring, they have taken a crucial step in reshaping how these young men and women see themselves; when there are no longer individual hairstyles, and everyone looks the same, an identity “vacuum” is created. It’s much easier for the Army to install the beliefs needed to make an obedient soldier when they don’t have to wrestle with an identity that may or may not be “accepting” of the new values and guiding principles offered by the military.
As strange as it sounds at first, if your goal is to lose weight for example, rather than focusing on forcing yourself to eat less and exercise more, you may want to first “become” the kind of person who eats only healthy foods and who can’t imagine a day ending before you’ve exercised. When you begin by first adopting the identity of a person who easily and naturally eats well and exercises daily, you’ll find that doing those things will soon seem like second nature.
How do you do that? We can learn a great deal by looking at award winning actors like one of my favorites, Robert DeNiro. When preparing for a role in an upcoming film, actors and actresses will step completely into the character they will be portraying. In fact, some of them “become” their character so fully, that they often have difficulties “breaking character” and require rather intense debriefings to get back to “themselves” once the film has been finished. What would happen if they kept up this “pretending” indefinitely? The time would arrive, when they would find they had crossed the point of no return; they’d no longer identify with many of the beliefs and values that had served as their guide posts for most of their life.
With a new identity comes new patterns of thinking, new patterns of behaving, and ultimately new and different results. Will the changes that result from Britney having shaved her head be in her best interest? We can only wait and see. One thing is certain though, with such a radical shift in her “look” she’ll no doubt experience new thoughts, new feelings, and in the end, new behaviors.
One final thought; if you find yourself a bit unsettled by the word “pretending” as a way of changing your identity, I invite you to consider the following. At some point in your youth, perhaps sometime in Junior High School, you were accepted into a certain social group. It might have been the “Jocks”, the “Brainiac’s”, the “Geeks” or some other group that you found comfort being a member of. There were certain things the “cool” people in those groups did and said, and because you wanted to be accepted by the others, you too, started to do those things. At first you were pretending, but eventually, you were no longer making the conscious choice to behave that way; the behaviors had become habitual unconscious behaviors.
What would happen if you “pretended” that you were a consistent investor for a year? What would happen if you pretended you were a wonderful public speaker for 18 months? Isn’t it true that there’s a part of you that can already sense the answer to those questions? Follow that inner voice, and build the identity that will support the achievement of any worthwhile goal.
Friday, March 28, 2008
What constitutes cheating?
In the 2003 motion picture, Anger Management, Jack Nicholson plays Dr. Buddy Rydell who is assigned to help Dave Buznik (Adam Sandler) control his anger. In one scene, Nicholson tries to tempt Sandler into hitting-on a girl at a bar. Sandler who already has a girlfriend responds with “Flirting is cheating’s first cousin, Buddy!” But is it?
What constitutes cheating?
Is cheating kissing or sleeping with someone? What are the boundaries? And is cheating only physical or can there also be, “emotional cheating”?
Take the quiz and then compare your answers with mine and my explanations and reasoning.
IS IT CHEATING? YES or NO
1. You French kiss a co-worker at an office party?
2. You kiss the stripper at your bachelor party?
3. You (the woman) kiss another woman?
4. You watch adult movies on your own?
5. You go out for dinner with someone who you know is interested in you?
6. If you have phone sex?
7. If you excessively use MySpace, talking to people of the opposite sex?
8. If you have sex while on a break from a relationship?
9. If you are in a casual but sexually exclusive relationship and you date other people but don’t have sex?
10. You secretly talk to your EX?
11. You undress and put to bed your drunk friend?
12. You hang out with a friend topless on beach?
13. You go to a nude beach?
14. You dirty dance with a friend or stranger – touching and grinding each other?
For most people, the term cheating refers to being sexually unfaithful but the dictionary also defines cheating as deceiving someone. In a committed relationship, the definition of cheating needs to be clearly determined and defined by each partner, and acceptable to both. For example, some couples are OK with a partner flirting and even kissing someone else – of either sex. In some of the scenarios in the quiz above, it may not be a case of clear cheating but it might still be wrong and hurtful!
Now let’s explore each of the above questions in detail:
1. You French kiss a co-worker at an office party?
Yes, this is cheating – kissing is not just a physical act, it also creates an emotional response, particularly in women.
2. You kiss the stripper at your bachelor party?
The same applies here. Also, a bachelor party does not grant free license to do anything you want because you justify it as your last fling. Commitment begins when you commit to the other person, not just when you sign the marriage papers or move-in.
3. You (the woman) kiss another woman?
In my book, “What a woman wants!” (WOW Media)I explain that for most women, they will decide if they will sleep with you based on how you kiss. In other words, the kiss has great significance and meaning for a woman, so, yes, it is cheating.
4. You watch adult movies on your own?
Men will argue that sex is sex and it has no meaning for them beyond the physical feelings or attraction. However, repeated fantasizing about someone else, and repeated exposure to the adult movie world, creates false expectations of one’s partner. In other words, the sexual fantasy can be just as damaging to the relationship as the real sexual act. Beware also of how often you are watching these movies. If it is on a regular basis and you are doing it instead of being with your partner – you may need help. Yes, it is cheating –if you do it on a regular basis.
5. You go out for dinner with someone who you know is interested in you?
It seems harmless and maybe your intentions are sincere but it can easily lead to cheating when you need a shoulder to cry-on, you are vulnerable or your partner has hurt you and you want to get him/her back. Remember, spending time with someone and doing things together leads to bonding and thus you are building a relationship – even if it is not at first, a romantic one. Also, if you know that the other person is seriously interested in you beware that you do not hurt the other person by leading them on. And guys: beware that if a woman wants you, she may use a variety of deceptive practices to win you over – even if you are taken!
6. If you have phone sex?
Yes, it is cheating. You are speaking with a real person even if you may have not met them and you are fantasizing and connecting with them – not your partner. You are giving that person energy and attention and taking it away from your partner.
7. If you excessively use MySpace, talking to people of the opposite sex?
Why do you need to spend so much time talking to other people online? What are you talking about? It is obvious that something is missing in your relationship. It may not begin as cheating but will most likely lead to physical cheating. Also, it is a form of emotional cheating.
8. If you have sex while on a break from a relationship?
Both of you must decide upfront what you expect from each other during the break and the purpose of the break/time apart. If one partner says to the other, “I want to” or “We need to see other people” then it is not cheating.
9. If you are in a casual but sexually exclusive relationship and you date other people but don’t have sex?
If you both agree to this action, then it is fine, otherwise, yes, it is cheating. You are still looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right and seeking to establish the emotional connection first.
10. You secretly talk to your EX?
Yes, it is cheating because you are deceiving your partner.
11. You undress and put to bed your drunk friend?
It is not cheating as long as all you did is put your friend to bed – and you didn’t climb in with her. (Most guys don’t care about sleeping fully dressed, on the floor, when they are drunk, so this situation usually only applies to women!)
12. You hang out with a friend topless on the beach?
This is a cultural issue. In Europe, most women sunbathe topless. In America, being topless is a big issue – to women. It is not cheating, unless the both of you begin to drink and party together on the beach and she asks you to rub suntan lotion on her chest…and you oblige!
13. You go to a nude beach?
Most guys don’t go to a nude beach – except to watch women naked, so yes, for men, the intention is cheating. In other words, it would be a rare sight to see a group of straight guys naked at a nude beach, just hanging around having a beer or two, and throwing the Frisbee to each other!
14. You dirty dance with a friend or stranger – touching and grinding each other?
Women express themselves via body language more than men do. Thus, dancing can be a real turn-on for women, particularly when the dancing becomes sexual, so yes, it is cheating. If you are still not sure, ask yourself, “Would you dirty dance with your mother or mother-in-law?”
The final word
Yes, there is sexual and emotional cheating and either one can be hurtful. There are five core emotions that drive our behavior: love, hate, fear, lust and pleasure. In other words, we will at one time or another be tempted to do something based on the above emotions such as express physical anger or hatred or, respond to feelings of lust. And if we gave into every feeling or impulse we were to have, anarchy would rule the world. Decide clearly if you want to be in a relationship with this person or not. If not, walk away. Don’t do things that are selfish and extremely hurtful to the other person. You always have the power to say, “No.” Discuss with your partner what is missing in the relationship rather than look outside to fulfill it. Finally, a committed relationship is about love, honor, respect, honesty and trust. Anything that you do that goes against that type of commitment can be defined as cheating!
What constitutes cheating?
Is cheating kissing or sleeping with someone? What are the boundaries? And is cheating only physical or can there also be, “emotional cheating”?
Take the quiz and then compare your answers with mine and my explanations and reasoning.
IS IT CHEATING? YES or NO
1. You French kiss a co-worker at an office party?
2. You kiss the stripper at your bachelor party?
3. You (the woman) kiss another woman?
4. You watch adult movies on your own?
5. You go out for dinner with someone who you know is interested in you?
6. If you have phone sex?
7. If you excessively use MySpace, talking to people of the opposite sex?
8. If you have sex while on a break from a relationship?
9. If you are in a casual but sexually exclusive relationship and you date other people but don’t have sex?
10. You secretly talk to your EX?
11. You undress and put to bed your drunk friend?
12. You hang out with a friend topless on beach?
13. You go to a nude beach?
14. You dirty dance with a friend or stranger – touching and grinding each other?
For most people, the term cheating refers to being sexually unfaithful but the dictionary also defines cheating as deceiving someone. In a committed relationship, the definition of cheating needs to be clearly determined and defined by each partner, and acceptable to both. For example, some couples are OK with a partner flirting and even kissing someone else – of either sex. In some of the scenarios in the quiz above, it may not be a case of clear cheating but it might still be wrong and hurtful!
Now let’s explore each of the above questions in detail:
1. You French kiss a co-worker at an office party?
Yes, this is cheating – kissing is not just a physical act, it also creates an emotional response, particularly in women.
2. You kiss the stripper at your bachelor party?
The same applies here. Also, a bachelor party does not grant free license to do anything you want because you justify it as your last fling. Commitment begins when you commit to the other person, not just when you sign the marriage papers or move-in.
3. You (the woman) kiss another woman?
In my book, “What a woman wants!” (WOW Media)I explain that for most women, they will decide if they will sleep with you based on how you kiss. In other words, the kiss has great significance and meaning for a woman, so, yes, it is cheating.
4. You watch adult movies on your own?
Men will argue that sex is sex and it has no meaning for them beyond the physical feelings or attraction. However, repeated fantasizing about someone else, and repeated exposure to the adult movie world, creates false expectations of one’s partner. In other words, the sexual fantasy can be just as damaging to the relationship as the real sexual act. Beware also of how often you are watching these movies. If it is on a regular basis and you are doing it instead of being with your partner – you may need help. Yes, it is cheating –if you do it on a regular basis.
5. You go out for dinner with someone who you know is interested in you?
It seems harmless and maybe your intentions are sincere but it can easily lead to cheating when you need a shoulder to cry-on, you are vulnerable or your partner has hurt you and you want to get him/her back. Remember, spending time with someone and doing things together leads to bonding and thus you are building a relationship – even if it is not at first, a romantic one. Also, if you know that the other person is seriously interested in you beware that you do not hurt the other person by leading them on. And guys: beware that if a woman wants you, she may use a variety of deceptive practices to win you over – even if you are taken!
6. If you have phone sex?
Yes, it is cheating. You are speaking with a real person even if you may have not met them and you are fantasizing and connecting with them – not your partner. You are giving that person energy and attention and taking it away from your partner.
7. If you excessively use MySpace, talking to people of the opposite sex?
Why do you need to spend so much time talking to other people online? What are you talking about? It is obvious that something is missing in your relationship. It may not begin as cheating but will most likely lead to physical cheating. Also, it is a form of emotional cheating.
8. If you have sex while on a break from a relationship?
Both of you must decide upfront what you expect from each other during the break and the purpose of the break/time apart. If one partner says to the other, “I want to” or “We need to see other people” then it is not cheating.
9. If you are in a casual but sexually exclusive relationship and you date other people but don’t have sex?
If you both agree to this action, then it is fine, otherwise, yes, it is cheating. You are still looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right and seeking to establish the emotional connection first.
10. You secretly talk to your EX?
Yes, it is cheating because you are deceiving your partner.
11. You undress and put to bed your drunk friend?
It is not cheating as long as all you did is put your friend to bed – and you didn’t climb in with her. (Most guys don’t care about sleeping fully dressed, on the floor, when they are drunk, so this situation usually only applies to women!)
12. You hang out with a friend topless on the beach?
This is a cultural issue. In Europe, most women sunbathe topless. In America, being topless is a big issue – to women. It is not cheating, unless the both of you begin to drink and party together on the beach and she asks you to rub suntan lotion on her chest…and you oblige!
13. You go to a nude beach?
Most guys don’t go to a nude beach – except to watch women naked, so yes, for men, the intention is cheating. In other words, it would be a rare sight to see a group of straight guys naked at a nude beach, just hanging around having a beer or two, and throwing the Frisbee to each other!
14. You dirty dance with a friend or stranger – touching and grinding each other?
Women express themselves via body language more than men do. Thus, dancing can be a real turn-on for women, particularly when the dancing becomes sexual, so yes, it is cheating. If you are still not sure, ask yourself, “Would you dirty dance with your mother or mother-in-law?”
The final word
Yes, there is sexual and emotional cheating and either one can be hurtful. There are five core emotions that drive our behavior: love, hate, fear, lust and pleasure. In other words, we will at one time or another be tempted to do something based on the above emotions such as express physical anger or hatred or, respond to feelings of lust. And if we gave into every feeling or impulse we were to have, anarchy would rule the world. Decide clearly if you want to be in a relationship with this person or not. If not, walk away. Don’t do things that are selfish and extremely hurtful to the other person. You always have the power to say, “No.” Discuss with your partner what is missing in the relationship rather than look outside to fulfill it. Finally, a committed relationship is about love, honor, respect, honesty and trust. Anything that you do that goes against that type of commitment can be defined as cheating!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Free Marketing Lesson For Daily Reference
Did you know that you have access to a series of free marketing lessons delivered to your postal mailbox and your email inbox every single day of the year? That's right, every day you receive a wealth of valuable marketing information that could improve your mortgage business dramatically.
If you're like most people, you are ignoring this valuable learning opportunity. In fact, you're probably throwing away your junk mail immediately and deleting emails without even looking at what's being offered and how it's offered.
As far as email goes...most of us sign up for mailing lists in order to access information. We understand that the price for that information is giving up an email address. The result is a series of subsequent marketing emails from the person providing the goodies. When we get those emails, we might read them or we might just delete them as we go about our daily business.
Whether it's a direct mail piece or an electronic email delivered to your inbox...what you should be doing is reading each of them very carefully. No, I'm not saying that every product offer you receive deserves your purchase via credit card! Far from it! What I'm arguing is that each of those offers is a free object lesson in marketing.
Read them. Analyze them. What is the person sending them doing right? Is the letter/flier or email a good one or a bad one? Is it effective or does it turn you off? Does it get your attention? Does it make you want to buy? Would it make others want to buy? What can you learn from it?
Pay careful attention to the mailings from successful marketers who are recognized as top performers in their fields. Learn from their direct mail and emails. In many cases, major advertising agencies have put these offers together at a tremendous cost.
I'm not suggesting that you read every piece of spam sent to you, but you should pay close attention to the opt-in mailings you receive. Even if you aren't interested in the product behind the mailing, the text of that copy itself can be extremely valuable to you as a mortgage professional and a marketer.
Everyday I receive over three hundred emails. Many of these are a result of my opt-ins to subscriptions, newsletters, and email courses. Some are just plain spam. I don't use any email filters because they also inadvertently filter out the good emails I want to read. The spammers will always win the battle with programmers that design our email filters. Never do I miss an important email because it was placed in a junk folder somewhere automatically.
I try to handle each email once. It is either deleted immediately or, if it is a result of my opt-in and covers topics like Real Estate, Mortgage and Finance, Internet Marketing, or Customer/Client stuff, I do a speed read and save it using the sender's name as the folder name. I don't save the emails in an Outlook folder...instead; I set up an email folder on an external disc drive and save each in their own file. If the email requires my action, it's flagged and left in the inbox until completed. It's then saved and the original message deleted.
You'll be surprised how quickly you can review your junk mail and email and benefit as a result. Subscribe to as much as you can and read them. You'll learn how to better market your mortgage products, how to refine your advertising copy, and much more. It's a completely free resource that deserves better treatment than a quick trip to the trash can or the delete key!
If you're like most people, you are ignoring this valuable learning opportunity. In fact, you're probably throwing away your junk mail immediately and deleting emails without even looking at what's being offered and how it's offered.
As far as email goes...most of us sign up for mailing lists in order to access information. We understand that the price for that information is giving up an email address. The result is a series of subsequent marketing emails from the person providing the goodies. When we get those emails, we might read them or we might just delete them as we go about our daily business.
Whether it's a direct mail piece or an electronic email delivered to your inbox...what you should be doing is reading each of them very carefully. No, I'm not saying that every product offer you receive deserves your purchase via credit card! Far from it! What I'm arguing is that each of those offers is a free object lesson in marketing.
Read them. Analyze them. What is the person sending them doing right? Is the letter/flier or email a good one or a bad one? Is it effective or does it turn you off? Does it get your attention? Does it make you want to buy? Would it make others want to buy? What can you learn from it?
Pay careful attention to the mailings from successful marketers who are recognized as top performers in their fields. Learn from their direct mail and emails. In many cases, major advertising agencies have put these offers together at a tremendous cost.
I'm not suggesting that you read every piece of spam sent to you, but you should pay close attention to the opt-in mailings you receive. Even if you aren't interested in the product behind the mailing, the text of that copy itself can be extremely valuable to you as a mortgage professional and a marketer.
Everyday I receive over three hundred emails. Many of these are a result of my opt-ins to subscriptions, newsletters, and email courses. Some are just plain spam. I don't use any email filters because they also inadvertently filter out the good emails I want to read. The spammers will always win the battle with programmers that design our email filters. Never do I miss an important email because it was placed in a junk folder somewhere automatically.
I try to handle each email once. It is either deleted immediately or, if it is a result of my opt-in and covers topics like Real Estate, Mortgage and Finance, Internet Marketing, or Customer/Client stuff, I do a speed read and save it using the sender's name as the folder name. I don't save the emails in an Outlook folder...instead; I set up an email folder on an external disc drive and save each in their own file. If the email requires my action, it's flagged and left in the inbox until completed. It's then saved and the original message deleted.
You'll be surprised how quickly you can review your junk mail and email and benefit as a result. Subscribe to as much as you can and read them. You'll learn how to better market your mortgage products, how to refine your advertising copy, and much more. It's a completely free resource that deserves better treatment than a quick trip to the trash can or the delete key!
Daily Meditation For Peace Of Life
Some people rely on daily meditation to help relax. Though this is not something that I do very often, I wish I would think to do it every night. When you are seriously stressed, you have to find a way to release that stress, or it is just going to build up in your system. When stress builds up in your system it can cause all kinds of mental and physical problems. You may find that you are not sleeping well, and that your body begins to ache. Your mind may not be able to focus on anything that you are doing.
Some people take daily meditation very seriously. They carve some time out of every single day in which to do this. The way you wish to meditate is up to you. If you don’t know what you’re doing, there are many sources out there for information. Find what works best for you, and you may find that your life soon begins to be a little easier. Daily meditation not only helps you clear your mind and helps to take away your stress, it also helps you balance yourself in many ways.
You may find that daily meditation brings a whole new sense of peace to your life. You may find that you are a calmer person if you have taken the time to do this, and the rest of your family may benefit from this too. I know that I am the hot head in my family, and I would probably greatly benefit from daily meditation. Perhaps if I learned how to calm down, and to take things easier, perhaps the rest of my family would as well.
No matter how busy you are you can find time in your day for daily meditation. You may only need ten minutes before you go to bed to get all of the health benefits you need. You need a quiet place to close your eyes and clear your mind. Some people like to chant while they’re doing their daily meditation, while others dislike to clear their mind and forget about everything for a short period of time. Do some research to find out what others consider to be the best form of daily meditation, and find your own way to do it. If you find that it’s not helping you very much, you may have to rethink your methods. All you need is to find what works for you.
Some people take daily meditation very seriously. They carve some time out of every single day in which to do this. The way you wish to meditate is up to you. If you don’t know what you’re doing, there are many sources out there for information. Find what works best for you, and you may find that your life soon begins to be a little easier. Daily meditation not only helps you clear your mind and helps to take away your stress, it also helps you balance yourself in many ways.
You may find that daily meditation brings a whole new sense of peace to your life. You may find that you are a calmer person if you have taken the time to do this, and the rest of your family may benefit from this too. I know that I am the hot head in my family, and I would probably greatly benefit from daily meditation. Perhaps if I learned how to calm down, and to take things easier, perhaps the rest of my family would as well.
No matter how busy you are you can find time in your day for daily meditation. You may only need ten minutes before you go to bed to get all of the health benefits you need. You need a quiet place to close your eyes and clear your mind. Some people like to chant while they’re doing their daily meditation, while others dislike to clear their mind and forget about everything for a short period of time. Do some research to find out what others consider to be the best form of daily meditation, and find your own way to do it. If you find that it’s not helping you very much, you may have to rethink your methods. All you need is to find what works for you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)